Let me begin this rant by first defining what I mean by sweating. Merriam-Webster's 2nd definition of sweating is, "to labor or exert oneself so as to cause perspiration". Oddly, this is not too far from what I want to discuss.
My definition of sweating is "to over-zealously pursue a romantic interest". Let me explain with an example: Robert meets Stephanie on Friday night. They have a brief but interesting conversation and decide to exchange phone numbers. Stephanie calls Robert one hour after they go their separate ways just to tell him how much she enjoyed their conversation and is really glad that they met. At midnight she calls to say, "sweet dreams". Saturday morning, Robert is awakened to a phone call from Steph; she just wanted to say, “good morning”. Around noon, Steph calls again to find out what he was planning for the day and if they could get together later. Robert tells her that he hasn’t made any plans yet and that he’d call her later to discuss a possible date. Around 4pm, Steph calls Rob again…she hadn’t heard from him and if they were going out, she’d need time to get ready. He tells her that he didn’t mean that they’d go out TODAY and that he’d call her back later. Around 9pm, Steph calls again to find out why Robert hasn’t called her back yet and who he’s going out with Saturday night since it's not her…
- She’s getting on his nerves! No one wants their phone blown up all day. Even if they were married, he probably wouldn’t want to hear from her that often.
- Because she’s getting on his nerves, she’s pushing him away. Any attraction that he may have felt for her when they first met is being dissolved into aggravation.
- The aggravation that he’s feeling could very well turn into lack of respect. Thoughts come into his mind like, “damn, doesn’t she have a life?” or “OH MY GOD! Does she have any other friends, interests or social involvements?” or “wow, I think I just met a stalker!”.
If the sweating persists, Robert may decide to NEVER take her out and disappear as quickly as possible.
What’s the point of this rant you ask? The point is simply this: when you become attracted to someone, it’s important to maintain a balance between showing interest and maintaining some level of self-respect. Everyone likes to be pursued; it makes us feel valued, worthy and desired. But when the pursuit becomes a sweating session, it pushes the object of your desire away.
Here are a few tips to keep in mind:
- Don’t be the initiator of all phone calls. If you’ve called twice, let the other person make the follow up call. If they don’t call, they’re not as interested as you.
- If you do “sweet” things like buying cards, flowers, candy or gifts for no apparent reason (it's not a holiday and you're not making up from a fight) then;
- don’t do it too early in the relationship and,
- when you do start, make it infrequent enough to keep it special.
- If you feel yourself getting anxious and needing to blow a person’s phone up, go get a hobby, find a friend to go out with, take a cold shower or go see a therapist…you’re about to loose the object of your desire.
Just my thoughts…err ranting for today…
4 comments:
Damn. I can see this is gonna be a regular stop for me. :-)
I went through something similar. Only in my case, I was Stephanie. I looked back on it and thought 'damn...she must have thought I was some kind of psycho/serial-killer stalker or something.'
I later (when I could actually laugh about what an ass I'd been), wrote a song called "Stalked."
Good stuff.
I think we have all, at one point in our lived sweated someone. The key is to identify what I believe is anxiety that creeps up. Something happens when we either are afraid that we're gonna lose that person or nervous that they may not feel the same about us...anxiety creeps in and before you know it, you're sweating the hell out of someone...and the thing that you feared most, you eventually will cause...
It is hard to know where to draw the line when you truly care for someone. It seems as though with everyone else you are fine, the player if you will, in control, no worries. But when 'the one' comes along its like, 'what happened'. You don't know what to say, you don't know how to act, what to do, and as e.b. said when that person is there and has shown some interest you are immediately worried if they like you as much as you like them, and how long will it last for them.
And you know, I don't think there is a real answer to this one. Unless you are a mind reader it is impossible to know what a person is thinking and how should deal with them when those feelings arise. Probably the best hint I can give is, when you originally met the person there was some semblance of you in your original in control self, and that is what attracted the person initially. The closer you stay to that, the better off you will be.
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