I don’t usually post twice in one day but I’m on a roll…
Have you ever been in a relationship and looked up and asked yourself, “how in the HELL did I find myself in this place”? You have feelings for someone but your gut is telling you that they don’t give a damn about you…how does this happen? Who’s at fault? Let’s explore…
I have a friend named Amie. She’s beautiful, articulate, incredibly intelligent, extremely funny and (I hear) great in bed. Amie has feelings for this guy that she’s been seeing off and on for several years. She won’t admit that she’s in love with him but she clearly has feelings for him. He SAYS that he has feelings for her too but his actions don’t prove it. I won’t go into details as not to transgress the confidentiality clause of our friendship but suffice it to say that this guy has done countless things to trample over her heart and yet…her heart still longs for him…how? Why?
You’ve been in this position before…be honest! The “seemingly” one sided relationship. You KNOW when the relationship really IS one sided…but what about that grey area where you’re not really sure? Maybe the other person is just not very emotional. Perhaps their life is just very busy so it seems that they’re ignoring you when really they aren’t. Or, maybe they’re playing you for a sucker! How do we get into these types of situations? What are the warning signs? And MOST importantly, how can we train ourselves to react through intellect rather than emotion?
As I’ve stated in previous posts, relationships are one of the single most difficult things in life to maintain. But they are IMPOSSIBLE to maintain if there is no reciprocity. If I’m at 85% on the “feeling you” continuum and you’re at 20%, we have a problem…no, I have a problem!
I don’t really know where to go from here…I’m not a licensed therapist and to be honest, I’m not too different from Amie. I’m hard and crusty on the outside but once you get inside, you got me…so what happens when people like me and Amie drop our guard and begin to feel, only to find out that the person on the receiving end of our affections not only are not reciprocating those emotions, but sometimes seem to resent US for having feelings?
Now let me pause parenthetically to note: those of you who know me, know that I’m not HARDLY the “sensitive guy” type. I don’t cry at weddings (they’re boring) I don’t get choked up during a movie and I damn sure don’t fall in love easily at all! I’ve been accused of being not only crusty but down right impenetrable at times. I love my children, my family and my friends…outside of them, I don’t really give a damn about you. Don’t get me wrong; I have a soft spot for the down trodden, the disenfranchised and the down-and-outters…but the average person on the street…handle your business…I have no emotions for you one way or the other…and let me tell you, Amie is even more crustier than I am!
But what happens when you’re seeing someone…everything’s going great. You seem to be compatible. You have incredible times together. Not one person is pursuing the other but sometimes I call you, sometimes you call me. Sometimes I come to your place, other times you come to mine…virtual reciprocity…things are going great so you begin to let your guard down…you don’t start to fall in love but you let yourself begin to feel…and just when you do, BLAM! They punch you right in the chest…close to the heart region. They are still calling you…they’re still coming over…they’re still SAYING all of the right things…but you get this sense in your gut that they’re not really feeling you…you can’t really put your finger on it because on the surface, everything looks good…but deep down, something’s missing…
Who’s at fault? Should we never drop our guard until the other person does first? Should we just date 3, 4 or 5 people at once so we NEVER feel for anyone? Is the person who’s at 20% being disingenuous?
And what’s wrong with this guy anyway? Why can’t he see what she’s bringing to the table? There are not many woman from which to choose who are around 30 years old with a college education, great sense of humor, her own job, her own crib, her own car, no kids and no drama…you’d think he’d be killing himself to be with HER, not the other way around…is a person’s resume (and I don’t mean professional resume; I mean, what they’re bringing to the relationship table) not important? Is this relationship thing ONLY about chemistry? How do you look at someone who seeming has everything and not be impressed? Not be interested? I was once in a relationship like that…I had everything and she had nothing and yet she wasn’t all that pressed for me…boggles the imagination…
I think every situation is different and there is probably no clear cut answers to these questions…
As for Amie…my advice dear heart…LET HIM GO! If you have to ask, “do you care for me” then he doesn’t. When sliding down the “am I feeling this person” continuum, it’s either there or it isn’t. You can’t force it, beg for it or even pray for it. They’re either feeling you or they’re not…trust your instincts, not your heart…it will deceive you 95% of the time…
My readers…write back and voice your opinions…perhaps together we can help poor souls like Amie and myself…
Just my thoughts…err ranting for today…
4 comments:
I think this gets back to a previous blog of stop sweating me. So I will start w/ my last 2 cents from that rant which is, the way you come into a relationship, the way you are when a person first meets you and gets to know you, the closer you can maintain that state of mind... of being, the better the relationship will be and the longer it will probably last.
Now this is not definite, they may still grow weary of you, tired of you or just find someone new, but I do believe it will not pressure them in any one way or another. I used to think that it was a male/female thing in that a male plans on a relationship to stay on a normal steady course from the onset, no ups and downs, no curves, just however it started thats how we finish it. If it starts as a booty call, it stays a booty call. If it starts as friends with a little extra it stays as friends with a little extra. Females on the other hand, I believed to have the thought process of, 'well yes we started that way but we are supposed to grow and progress from here, our relationship is suppose to grow.' And in response to that I would say, 'only if you began the relationship as something serious. If you met him at the club, shaking your ass and the took him home and got your grind on a bit don't think his going to start sending your flowers and planning romantic excursions all of a sudden. It doesn't work like that.'
But I am starting to wonder, maybe this is a more personality type thing than a male/female hormonal deal. I do believe a majority of the time it is how I explained it, but there a few times when the roles are reversed and it is the female who is not trying to hear advancing a relationship but to just enjoy what it is.
My advice to Amie is to go back over how the relationship started, where she met him, what was she wearing, how did she act around him the first few days, etc,.If everything was done correctly as far as just being cool and taking your time to get to know someone, well then, she was a victim of the game. Its not much you can do about that, only time and patience can outlast the game factor, so tell her to keep that in mind next time.
On your next rant maybe you can begin with why we still use the word woman. I think this word opens up many things from the beginning. First, man is a species of which we are male and female just as all species. The very term woman implies seperate species. Second, if this were true and woman is a seperate species then the gay and lesbian folks not only are right but everyone else would be completely wrong, as opposed to live and let live. So just something to think about.
You got soft and let your guard down. Instead of keeping to the "hey this is some action with no frills", like Rob said and Rob that was a perfect description.
If it starts as a booty call then that is what it is. But if you feel something in a month then you got to let that be known. It's your fault for getting dreamy and "assuming" it's both sides. If your buying dinner and going to the club and the night ends the same and you still are living the lie one sided, then your out a meal, the rest is how it's been.
I've known women who didn't notice the guy was interested, I mean AT ALL. He's a friend, that's how he gets crushed, but that is what her side was. Just a really good friend that buys me dinner and we sleep together? Sure that seams odd at best best but you don't spend everyday with her and that is how she rolls the other days.
Or the complete opposite, she tries to trap him in a relationship by giving it up and he is blind to it, you got played but you can't stop it. There is something about him...
Or one better, this goes along for so long and you end up married. One of you has settled because you need the relationship and it "works". He'll/She'll change once we get married and have a kid, UH, no they don't and hello you are in one sided relationshipville with a kid and he/she still goes out with there friends and has a grand old time at your expense.
But I love them! Same thing battered wives say at about the drunk that kicks their ass and goes downtown for being drunk with his keys in his pocket in the front yard. They got involved and he didn't care. Sure he loves her, for all the wrong reasons, she watches the kids, keeps the house clean, has sex with him. But is that a relationship? with equality in it?
I would challenge any reader of this to look at anyone's relationship and tell me it is 50/50. There is always something that is there and you work through it's more like 60/40. But 80/20 is not how it works, but you got to be able to see that early somehow....
Speak your mind as soon as you get that feeling in your gut. If not "put a quarter in your ass cause you played yourself" Ah the Beastie Boys.......
Rob and Mike, while you're both right, it's MUCH easier to be a backseat driver and say what a person should do...it's MUCH harder when you're in the throws of a relationship...maybe you say to yourself, "I know something's missing but hell, why throw the baby out with the bathwater? A bird in the hand beats two in the bush"...in other words, why dump him/her and end up alone...maybe something shitty is better than nothing at all...which takes us back to the "Settling vs. Loneliness" rant...the issue is being able to see the problem early enough, then having the balls to make the decision to bail...it's easier said than done...especially if you currently have no other options...
But are you in the throws of a relationship? Or are you/her just hanging and having fun. Obviously there are some questions about it.
My problem was, I can't see dating someone if I can never see married to them. That's a pretty high bar to think about and that is probably why I married the first girl I dated. And I knew her for twelve years before anything happened. It's not like I was playing the field, I was trying but getting the door slammed on me. I would ask girls I worked with out and they would be "going out with a friend" or some BS like that.
I would take that to heart but it is what it is. Guess it wasn't ment to be?
Of course I wouldn't change a thing I have now, been happily married for 11+ years, two kids.
Sure I wonder what about that one girl or the other but whatever it's water under the bridge.
Either way you need to make a decision, lead yourself or this girl on, or cut loose and look for something else.
Because in the grand scheme "something" isn't always better than "nothing"......
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