Ever notice how the bullshit from the past relationships that you had seem to carry over into the new ones? The last relationship you were in, you gave your love a key to the crib, introduced them to the family and begin serious conversations of marriage around the 3-6 month stage… then it went south. Then you met someone new…but thit one doesn’t get a key to the crib, you’re slower to introduce them to the fam and there’s NO discussion of marriage until 12-18 months have past…why is that?
You could say that every relationship is a learning experience…that each new encounter brings depth to our understanding of male-female relationships…but if this were the case, you’d think that after 3 or 4, we’d all be experts at relationships…but the divorce rate disproves that theorem. I don’t mean to say that we DON’T learn from each relationship, but I don’t believe that we can say that a lesson learned is necessarily knowledge gained…
No, I think that we don’t give ourselves enough time between relationships in order to wash away the bullshit. So inevitably, we bring baggage into the new relationship. The new girlfriend isn’t allowed to come over when you have the kids; the new boyfriend isn’t permitted to drive your car; the one is DEFINITELY not getting their hands on the credit card!
Is this a bad thing? I mean, should ANYONE EVER have a key to the crib? Why do they need to be there when you’re not? What person in their right mind would allow someone access to their credit/debit card? If you were to break up, they could possibly have written down your information and can rob your ass blind. I mean, what’s wrong with being more protective of yourself?
I think it’s a wolf hiding in sheep’s clothing…what I mean is, when we don’t give ourselves time to heal and to really get over the former object of our affection, we bring hurt, pain and prejudices into the new relationship that, while on the surface portend to be personal protection methods, they can cause transparency challenges. You may ask: “What the hell is a transparency challenge?” I believe with all of my heart that long-term relationships are absolutely impossible without both parties being transparent; when you’re willing to let your guard down so that the other person can see the “real you”. I heard a preacher say that intimacy = Into-Me-See…I give you the right to look inside of me…and that’s impossible if you’re still carrying around bullshit from the past relationship[s].
Just my thoughts…err ranting for today…
7 comments:
Very well said.
I always say...you really can't go anywhere without packing a little baggage.
Question is, are you going to let that other person see what's in your suitcase?
again...very good food for thought.
Ill agree from what I've seen others go thru. I'm not an expert in this, hell I married the first girl I dated. People say WOW that's awesome! Is it, because I've always wondered about other women I've met, and what could have been? Granted what I have is the best thing and really wouldn't change it, to me. Come on, redheaded, gymnast, swimmer? How could I go wrong? Granted she doesn't fit the redheaded, gymnast, swimmer you just thought of!
I've been married 11 years and can say we've had one true "fight", many disagreements but we get through those easy. It was about her correcting me in front of my kids. Like I'm one of them. Maybe I'm willing to take a lot of bullshit? But I don't think so from the stories I hear from other guys I hang with.
But I don't think I could of handled the bullshit from one to the next, mainly for the fear that the last ones bullshit was really caviar compared to this ones bullshit, but you didn't know that. So yes you are a beter person. You can appreciate the best and worst of every relationship. But that's the price of admission.
You just don't know until your in if you have caviar or bullshit, what you have to decide is is this bullshit to far from caviar for me to appreciate it? Then go away because bullshit leaves a taste in your mouth for a long time.
todd s, that's exactly what I'm talking about...if you DONT show them what's in your suitcase, can you truly be transparent and if not, what the hell are you even bothering to be in a relationship for, ya know?
mikeo,
I envy you...you don't have the "point of comparison" issue at all...if I were only so lucky...I've been with so many women that I don't think I'll ever completely have all the bullshit washed off...
Couldn't have said it better myself. You do introduce a thought I had never thought of though. It is "A lesson learned is not necessarily knowledge gained." That thought presents another view on why we continue to go from one unfit relationship to another. Of course, your feelings that we don't give ourselves time and space to heal is a contributing factor also.
Regarding giving someone a key to the crib. I agree with you. Why does someone need a key to your home when you are not there? Hello. You know what is amazing to me? Some people will give keys to a relatively new lover and trusted family and friends have not been presented a key to their home.
Another thought to introduce for discussion: People will have sex with people that they would never become best friends with. That's something, isn't it?
Carmin Wharton, The Relationship Teacher
Author, "Lessons Learned: While Looking for Love in All the Wrong Faces"
www.carminwharton.com
Carmin, welcome to the blog! I appreciate your comments. When you say, "People will have sex with people that they would never become best friends with." Coming from a woman's perspective, this might sound crazy to you but, whether good or bad, MOST men would have sex with someone without even knowing their name!
Well I can definitely agree with that last statement, A male can have sex w/o knowing the female's name. I am not sure about this time issue and whether or not you heal from a prior relationship. I am hearing the same argument being called 2 different names. 1) A lesson learned is not necessarily knowledge gained, and 2) baggage. But if you do not learn from your experiences and start with a clean slate for each relationship then what do you do when the same issues starting coming up. Do you ignore what you have gone through previously or do you look back into your suitcase and go over what you have witnessed before to decide how to proceed? Who are we but a compilation of our experiences in the physical realm, in combination with how we internalize those experiences in the spiritual realm. As in all things there must be balance and moderation. You can not go without using what you have learned while simultaneously you must keep yourself open to experience new things. Just as all situations are different and must be dealt with accordingly, all people are unique and must be dealt with as such.
Basically, it is scary as hell out there, people simply want to experience love but many do not know how to give it, and equally many do not know how to receive it. Just my 2 cents.
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